Shallowness...

I think this is turning in to a 'Dan Diary'!
I just got back from his, kinda annoyed because all we did was watch a crappy film. We didnt even kiss till I had to leave. He didn't even try anything on with me, you know when you just mess around, not in a sexual way or anything, just messing around in a friend way.
I hate the fact that I like him this much. I, mean, I actually care what he thinks of me or how he sees me. And when I saw care I mean I want him to like what he 'sees'.
Which mean that I keep appologising for touching him in the wrong place. Like if I rested my hand against his groin and didnt realise, cause I mean it isn't something I realy pay attention to, so I move my hand quickly and he says 'I dont care what you do'. I hate being selfconcious, its so infuriating that I cant just leave it there. I feel that if I leave it there then he might take it as a come one or something and dont want that. He already calls me a nympho.
Other couples have terms of endearment like 'sweetie' or 'pudding' and I get 'nympho'. Arent I lucky...
I still havent found out how much the top of my ear is going to cost to get pierced. I'll try to go tomorrow. Or I an wait till I go to brighton again, at least that way I know the place a little bit more. Eh. I'll think about it, inother words I'll find out the cost and go for the cheeper one!

Over reaction?

I think I may be over reacting but I texy Dan a little while ago and I havent had a reply yet. HE carries his phone everywhere. Shit. He might have figured out about the I cheated on him? He just signed it - My heart just stopped. He said hi, asked about going to the piercing place. I was over reacting. Heart is still racing. I feel like I'm going to cry for some reason. Oh yeah I want to get the top of ear pierced, only because I cant have my tongue done. So I'm going to go for something a little more discrete. Plus if I have my toungue and lip done I may not get in to the teaching program I'm trying to get on to. Tell you about it later.

Testq

Did that work?

Starting to...

I think I'm starting to feel a bit bad about the Matt thing now, I may have just been thinking about the issue too much and my uncouncious has just decided to make me happy and feel guilty about it. Becauseit took me what almost a week to figure out I was guilty when I've just been shruggin it off?
Yeah right.
Its so obvious I'm not ready for a relationship - I still want to have fun. But I cant break up with Dan, not because I loe him or because he makes me feel comfortable but because I dont want to lose him. I think that it would total break me to lose him badly.

I mean I think that he is great and I cant imagine not having him around, even as a friend. I realy do care about him. Shit, think about it now - I still dont feel guilty about cheating on him. Why dont I?

I know why I cheated though, Matt wanted me okay he probably wanted sex but he acted like he wanted me, it was firey and well not gentle, like Dan. I mean Dan can press all the right buttons but he is so soft and sweet and I'm not really into that. I want some one who is a little pushyer and demanding.

The day after...

Went shopping in Brighton to day, Matt wanted to meet up, we were supposed to meet up in HMV but me and Emma were waiting in Virgin. So I kind of missed him. He invited me to the pub tonight, in Shoreham though. I think I’m going to try going to the pub tonight. With him obviously.

I asked my mother if I should go to the pub and she doesn’t want me too. I don’t get why though, okay I can understand it being in Shoreham but I have been living away from home for the past month and a half, in bloody Luton! I have a feeling that its just she doesn’t want me to see Matt, even Emma doesn’t want me to see him. I don’t know why I really liked him, I don’t know why. I think that its because I’m not supposed to be with him, and because they have a loyalty to Dan for some reason. Just because he is my boyfriend, I don’t want a relationship, well I do but I don’t. I want Matt. Bloody hell. I think that I kind of miss Dan, but I don’t want to not have fun. I want Matt not only because he’s cute and smart, but because he wanted me. I mean I really felt like he wanted me, okay it might have only been for sex but I like that feeling of wanting. I know that’s the same thing that the first Dan made me feel but this time I’m attracted to the guy. I don’t even feel guilty for cheating on Dan (Halifax), even though I should I just really want Matt and his friend (Matt). Maybe I am a nymphomaniac, eh, what the hell I’d have fun with it. I really wish that I was with Matt at the bloody pub, mindless making out is so much fun and I just realised that I don’t really make out randomly with Dan any more. Its not fair. I would want to feel wanted, I know I am wanted but I want to feel like the guy cant live without me. Or just cant do something without me, okay so the thing he cant do without me happens to be getting off.
I still so bored, I wish I was with Matt. God how pitiful does that sound, I almost sound like Emma. Shit. I just don’t get that sort of attention much so I wanted it. Plus that was the first time that a guy who I liked actually like me back.

I just want an uncomplicated fuck, or even better an orgasm form anyone. It would be great to have the two Matts’ on either side of me! Perverted, I know and I don’t care.

I figured it is difficult going home after having such freedom to do what ever I want at university, I lose that freedom because I have only been away for a little while. I just remembered the night when we came out of lush nad Matt was asking me to go back to his while Emma was amking out with the other guy. As soon as my mom came over and he saw her Matt jumped away from me, he didn’t even come close to me when she was there.

Clubbing

Just back from clubbing in Worthing, and I pulled a fittie named Matt. At first his mate (also named Matt) was checking me out and then Emma decided that she would talk to him. When she did talk to him she found out that he liked me, so she told him that I had a boyfriend. Annoying. She then got off with him, so I offered to dance with his friend as a sort of revenge. I don’t really get how it was revenge as she didn’t even notice his friend (my Matt). He accepted and we were dancing like you do and then Emma and the other Matt came over by us and started dancing and getting off with each other. That annoyed me so I walked out, the Matt I was with came with me. We went outside and talked for about twenty minutes or more. Then as we were on our way back in Lia was there and very upset, John (her boyfriend) was taking the piss by him and his friends accusing her of cheating every time she talked to a guy. Pathetic. When I was out talking with Matt I found out he was 19 and taking a teaching course for four years at Brighton university. He also plays for his uni football team and has been in the paper several times, Matt Hurley I think he was called.

He knew I had a boyfriend which was odd because he just kept kissing me and stroking me. Very aggressive, I really liked that about him. He said he’ll call me but I doubt he will. So fit and so very nice.

And he is either very big or he had something in his pocket that wasn’t part of his pants. He wanted me to go home with him or him to come home with me. I didn’t do anything but, shit, I wanted to go with him so badly.

Matt text me at about three in the morning - ‘I feel I’ve missed out big time! Did you say your going to be in Brighton tomorrow shopping, you want to…x’.

Wow - Its alive! Alive I say! Mwhahaha *cough* ha ha

Just playing around and I stumbled back to this place. So I thought hell I was going to starting blogging again so why not shake the dust off this place? Well new layout, pretty chuffed with that. I didnt make it it was free one from daydream graphics - I was just chuffed I found one that didnt make me want to hurl. I'm not going to shout random praise about it because it is that special - just something that will do till I find time to make my own layout. Anyway alot has changed since I last bloged. I am at uni for one, I have a new honey, I have a new thing for music. but I'm still a freak who works in halfords. At the moment I'm avioding finishing an essay that is due in in about two days - I am so fucked. I just cant get the movitation to do anything but play on the computer. So for I've recoded my domain, set up an XMB forum complete with about 4 addons, a shop, and an avatar gallery. Made several layouts which have been thrown away as they were foul. Learnt PHP inculdes and helped design my boyfriends site. I will finished that essay tonight otherwise I will not sleep. Ha. if that works I'll eat my hat (I dont actually own a hat but yeah...) Okay going to work on it now... I swear...look I'm working on it!